Letting go, to go on

I’ve been better awhile now
It’s not new
It’s still very good but
Not new
(The exception would be at Pilates where I’m getting the use of some muscles back and it’s tear inducing and a lump in the throat in the retelling)
That’s no small thing but not what I’m wanting to share about today
Today it’s “that thing “
I have had a thing I’ve held onto and it didn’t serve me
I think we all have one, at least
They could be a myriad of circumstances and choices
Mine was letting go of working
I returned from the hospital with strict instructions to stay home
100 days not leaving the house
No cut flowers, or visitors who might be sick
Sushi and lunch meat are forbidden
Etc. etc. etc….
But, the phone
That I could still use and I did
I went back to work so quickly
My brother had absorbed the store inventory into his office and remodeled that space to accommodate the furniture and to serve customers easier
The retention rate was pretty high
I was going to make his appointments
After all, I knew everyone and I’d lived in this world for decades
It helped him and helped me not feel so isolated
But, I didn’t really stop to internalize all that I’d been through
The reality of living with the real possibility of death for 14 months
Sitting in isolation for a month, alone, in Chicago
It’s a lot to process
So I didn’t
For the next three years I just made the calls
But, deep inside it wasn’t working
Deep inside I knew I’d been changed
It was so deep it was easy to ignore
Until it wasn’t
This creeping unease was growing
I had a brother that needed me
My parents told me so
My husband kept telling me to listen to what I wanted
I’d been a self-employed salesman my whole adult life
I’ve never had a paid day off or a paid sick day
I have deep ingrained habits of how I go through my days
But, did I need them now?
What would I do with my time?
What about the lack of money?
Who would I be?
How do I just stop?
More questions than time in a day
Relentless merry-go-round in my head and heart
What? How? When? What if? Should I? Could I? Would….
You get the idea
I’m sure you’re doing your own list right now
It’s ok but now, just stop
None of them have to be answered
They don’t even need to be followed to a logical conclusion
They are just thoughts
That’s all
My husband said try it
Just stop and see what shows up
The money just causes us to pay more in taxes anyway
Just stop
Stay home
Take a class
Or don’t
Read a book or volunteer
Or don’t
Just stop
My ego went bananas
But, a year ago I did stop
And the world kept turning
I still have no plan
But I’ve got some great pieces of pottery I’ve made from taking a class
I’ve got new friends from a three-day seminar I did and they make my life fuller than I’d have ever thought
I also have a book club that meets every month and we never, ever bring a book
I’ve found a website that offers free university classes from all over the world and I’ve loved almost all the courses I’ve taken on Coursera.org
Songwriting from Berkeley
Social psychology from Wesleyan
Science of wellbeing from Yale to name a few
I meet for coffee and lunches
I get bored and call my husband at work far too often some days
But it’s all part of letting go
That song from the Disney movie was a hit for a reason
We all need to “let it go”
So, what’s your thing?
What’s the unimaginable that holds you in place?
If you knew there was joy in every moment
That everyday is a gift
Every kiss
Every breath
Every thing
That everyone has the light of the divine in them so we can never be
Truly alone
What if you truly got that no one has a crystal ball?
What would you feel with hands that were free?
How would your life look?
With the new space in your day?
Will you, let it go?
I did
And I’m going strong
( just don’t ask me to where)

5 Replies to “Letting go, to go on”

  1. Each and everyone of your posts stops me in my tracks, inspires me, challenges me to look beyond, and makes me proud to be in your tribe…..love you friend!

    Liked by 1 person

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