Giving credit to Martha and making people cry

 

Getting better has been great
I mean really great
There are no words great
I could go through the dictionary and use all the good words
Still wouldn’t be enough
It’s that good
But
Yes, there is a but
When sharing my story while in the company of someone who isn’t going to recover or with someone who loves and cares for someone who won’t recover
It’s a shit show
I stumble over words
I swallow my gratitude
I cringe when I see them start to cry
The thing is
That was me
I had a visceral reaction when I was living with no hope
to anyone who had gotten better or suggested a book by someone who had
It flew through my veins like lava
I couldn’t even pretend to be interested or happy about it
I threw books away, unopened and did it gladly
I know
I know
I know
And yet, here I am better
Go fucking figure
Seriously
With taking steps toward meaningful lunches and conversations
I had lunch today with a friend and a friend of hers
The new friend happens to be my neighbor
So, at lunch sharing my story I say that I give the credit to Martha Stewart
Seriously, I really do
I heard her interviewed after her time in prison
And she said something like, that she used the time like a college, a time to learn and read good books and have really good visitors. She wanted to come out better.
I have used that as a template for my time at home, first while sick
And then while recovering
I take online courses from colleges all over the world on a free website called Coursera and I’ve read too many books to count or even keep
My lunches and conversations the past six years have been fascinating and friendships have deepened and my life with Michael is so beautiful
While at today’s lunch, my friend, the one I’ve known longer, cried
Her husband has been wheelchair bound since we met
They were the first people who helped us when I landed in my wheelchair
They have shared everything with us
She has had a front row seat to my illness and recovery
One her husband wasn’t eligible for
He’s a GBS patient with no recovery, no doctor has ever figured out why
She’s his caregiver and his wife of over 40 years
She is one of the sweetest humans I’ve ever met
Seriously
So, to tell my story and have her cry
A gut punch
I really get that she’s happy for us
She’s also jealous
He has been saying that to me for years
I do understand
I do
She’s way nicer than I am and I’m not sure I’d be as delighted if the tables we turned
I so understand all of it
If telling my story is part of my part two
What do I do?
How do I stand in front of people and give hope if there is none
There was no hope for me for 14 months
And then there was
Just like that
A website
A doctor
A treatment
A clinical trial, yes, but it was hope
How do I share and not make someone else suffer
How do I?
Why would I?
I just don’t know

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s